Cockles & Mussels

Happy Birthday Muvvaaa!

Please join me in wishing The Mother of all Mothers a very Happy 62nd Birthday!

Mum, what can I say? You're my best mate and I love you beyond words! By far and away the most amazing person I know! And you just keep on getting better! And your skin....that of a 40 year old!!! And those jowles...Mwah! Perfecto! No seriously, I promise not to kick you out of bed ever again and I promise not to punch you in the face! Mwah!

Love ya, y'old tart! xxx

Unfortunately the only rain to fall on the festival all weekend started about an hour before Sam was due to go on stage. However, the crowd stayed to brave the elements and were treated to a delectable slice of Braithwaite pizza - this time with extra Braithwaites, as Bex and I joined forces singing backing vocals as part of a 7-strong gospel stylee choir for a couple of rockin' numbers. It was noisy (Emile's words), but boy did we rock.

It was worth it all to see little Noah, perched upon his mum's shoulders in the middle of the crowd making rock signs with both hands. It must've made quite an impression on the little tykes, as Emile would not go to bed that evening until he had his guitar in bed with him. Not only that, but we were peacefully sleeping until, at 6.55am, Emile and Noah woke us by counting in 1,2,3,4... before unleashing a storm of out-of-tune guitar strumming and out-of-time drumming, accompanied by a cacophonous rendition of Sam's Standing In The Place ('Uncle Sammy standing in the place...'). What a wake up call.

Sam's now promised them guitar lessons. Heaven help us.

Viewers with satellite or cable will this week be able to watch an extraordinarilly interesting programme covering the opening of a new Welsh National Centre for Welsh Folk Music. This amazingly gripping documentary can be seen on S4C digital on Tuesday, July 17 at 10pm and again on Wednesday, July18 at 2.30pm.

The undoubted highlight of the show is a brief performance and interview with the stellar cast of the latest music sensation to burst upon the international stage - "Sesh" ("... the greatest thing to come out of Wales since laverbread." Fishguard Nearly Dead Club Easter Newsletter,April 2007). The fact that a family member is on the box is not relevant to this posting.

Click here for more information, and even a little piccy.

PARENTAL WARNING: this programme does not contain any scenes of violence, peril, drug or sheep abuse (shame on S4C).

My mobile number is 07825 447683 and the address us 69 (what a laugh!) Portchester Close, Park Farm, Stanground, PE2 8UP. See you all soon. x

If you go to this magic formula you will be able to hear Chris's band.

Nick's big day's getting nearer and I though it was high time I tried to find out a little more about what the plan was for the weekend in Peterborough.

No, I'm not still going on about my birthday last week! It's (not so) little Noah's birthday today. It doesn't seem like 3 years ago that I watched the little fella pop out of Steph's downstairs cupboard, but, by the hair on Matt Damon's head, it is! And he even had the decency to wait until the England v France Euro 2004 match had finished. You can't ask for more consideration than that. For that gesture, he can get away with anything. And does. Regularly. His mum is absolutely besotted with him and let's him get away with murder. Don't be fooled by the cute little smile and the never ending professions of love - inside, he's a cunning little dude.

But we love him loads. He's very excited about being 'Mr. 3'. Happy birthday Noah!

What with the start of this year's Big Brother, the ongoing search for little Maddie and the recent spell of bad weather we've been having, everyone's been so occupied that we went and forgot little Chris' birthday last Monday. He's 93, but I'm sure you'll agree, he looks bloody good for his age. It's amazing what can happen to a man once he gets signed up by a record company - new clothes, new haircut, clean pants, bit of a facelift... He's certainly made a huge impact in Germany, the land of the Mighty Hoff. Say no more.

Happy birthday, fella.

I know, long time no hear but I and my daughters have been enjoying a very new kind of life and we are just about starting to settle into some routines!!!!!

We are all very very well, I really hope i can say the same for you lot.

I am pleased to say that I am holding the annual 'GRACE MAD BASH' after Nicola and James are married in the morning.....ALL are welcome from whenever till whenever, ( I have been asked very nicely by Larry if i could avoid allowing my guests to become paraletic before the evening do!!!) He having a larf????

I do need to speak to Barney at some point but I dont have a phone number...any offers??

If anyone needs anything, like pillows etc...just ask Larry.....Im sure he could cope!!!!!

Much love to all

Little Deb xxx

My old brain is forgeting important stuff; I need the gaps filled in. I must know...

Sunday is roast beef
Saturday is - - - - -
Friday is fish & chips
Thursday is shepherds pie
Wednesday is - - - - - - -
Tuesday is soo-oup
Monday is washing day
Is ev'rybody 'appy?
You bet ya life we are!

Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but I've been around for 4 years now. Think about it. That's even longer than this blog!

It was a typical day of hunting for Easter eggs, bursting balloons, opening presents, eating cake, fighting with my brother and generally getting really hyper on all the fantastic sugary food that Mum and Dad bought for the occasion.

Anyway, screw this computer stuff, there's some serious four-year-old arsing about to be done. I'm off to get dressed up as Nacho Libre again. Laters, dudes...

Emile

This chappie just got signed to Sain Records.!!!! He plays the arse pipes ( I thought it was the gertar but he assures me it's actually the arse pipes, which is funny because I don't recall paying for any arse-pipe lessons??) in a Welsh folk band (it doesn't have a name yet) and they are now signed to this record label , same one as Aled Jones (but hey,.......they can't help that!) They're playing a few slots at the Llangollen International Eisteddfod in July and have a few gigs lined up in the meantime. Congratulations - llongyfarchiadau cariad!!
xxx

It seems to me that this particular lane of the interenet super-highway is little more than a refuge for fart jokes and barely disguised sexual inuendo. I shall see if we can't inject a little proper culture from the shunting yards of the valleys into the proceedings.
*draws sleeve across nose and sniffs deeply*
Right now, however, I can't seem to think of anything so pull my finger...

Personally, I've always been a fan of the Marx Brothers. Them and Harold Lloyd, Buster Keaton, Laurel & Hardy... Frankly, the Stooges always stood alongside the over-rated likes of Chaplin and Abbott & Costello in my books.

However, with the advent of the internet, even laboured slapstick schtick like theirs can be made funny, all with the simple addition of sound effects (admittedly, almost everything can be made funnier with the use of these sound effects).

I might be 35, going on 36, but this had me and the boys, not to mention Bex in tears. I defy any of you not to laugh at least once.

So simple and yet so fundamentally funny to anyone with a child inside them.

Who said computers can't be educational?

P.S. Don't even ask me how I came across this on You Tube. It was for the boys. Honest!

This is what Charlie thinks of red-fucking-nose-fucking-day-fuck. Who said mongrels were stupid ?!

Hello all
I'll be 50 in October.....eeeeek!! But there's one thing worse than being 50 and it must be having a baby sister who's 50 - ha ha ha!!
And I want presents. Either:
a. donations to pay for a DNA test to find out where in the world we're all from, or
b. anything atall from the oxfam catalogue www.oxfamunwrapped.com.
Happy Birthday to me!
xxx

Never mind that she's up for an Oscar tonight, our very own Dame Judi was yesterday mistaken for Big Deb's MUM by a friend calling round.!

Needless to say, it didn't go down too well and the poor bloke was met with the habitual tirade of foul language that we have come to expect from this particular OAP.

I recently discovered something very disturbing about the new owners of my beloved football team, Liverpool, and, in the words of the late, great Natalie Imbruglia (OK, so she's not dead, but when did you last see or hear from her?), I'm torn.
According to a recent article in the Guardian, Tom Hicks, one half of the American team that has just paid £450 million for the Reds, was the single largest contributor to the George W. Bush re-election campaign.
Anyone who knows me will know how much I love the game and how my mood can easily be changed by a good or bad result. Now, a football team is for life and not just for Christmas (unlike American football teams, thanks Sam), so imagine the position I find myself in where my team, one of the oldest and most respected teams in the country, has just been sold to the highest bidder - a staunch supporter of the man I hate most in the whole wide world! I thought no-one could be worse than Abramovich, a Russian mafioso, who profited big time from the collapse of the Soviet Union, but I was wrong. Even the sale of Manchester United to the Glazers was acceptable in comparison.
What do you do? My immediate instinct would be to boycott my team, but how does one do such a thing? It is unimaginable, something with which I think even those who don't give a shit for football will agree. I know it's only a game, Ron, but what is the game coming to?

Following the glowing gig review the other day, Sam's album got a ripping write-up in the Bristol Evening Post.
'After the Fleece gig, Braithwaite's debut album has been greatly anticipated. And it certainly lives up to all expectations. Hi so-distinctive voice draws comparison with Van Morrison, especially when he dramatically switches mood from quiet and relaxed to a roar of passion, and he has a delivery similar to that of early John Martyn.
It's a pretty intense listen, but a richly rewarding one, for his well-crafted songs are highly-melodic and often extremely beautiful. He is backed by some of Bristol's notable musicians and the production is as crisp as you'd expect from Robot Club. Sitting On Top Of The World is one of those songs you find yourself singing for hours afterwards.
If anything, there are times when he wears his influences a bit too obviously, but when it comes to lyrical, well-observed writing, you can't blame anyone for nodding towards Springsteen and Dylan.
If Sweetness In Her Tears ever gets on to a Radio 2 playlist, Braithwaite will be a major star.'

After Sam's absolutely amazing gig on Wednesday 24th January, this is the review he received in the Bristol Evening Post!
"Half of Bristol's finest musicians seem to have been in the audience at this Evening Post Showcase night to see the locally based singer-songwriter. The other half were in his band.
Braithwaite, launching his new album 'Two Fingers', actually took to the stage as we are most used to seeing him, solo with just an acoustic guitar, his songs and that voice.
And what a voice it is. He sings challenging songs in a distinctive, bluesy, jazzy style that's loaded with so much honest emotion that you can't help but compare him to Van Morrison at his prime.
However, it was when the five piece band, specially put together for the record, came on that he showed the real power of his voice and his songs.
But then he couldn't help but rise to the occasion when he had such a bunch of exceptional multi-instrumentalists, on loan from other bands.
The slow swampy 'Bright City Lights', which ended with Sam Braithwaite in full roaring, soaring mode, was exhilarating.
Braithwaite is one of Bristol's best kept secrets and it really is about time that situation was radically changed."
Keith Clark - Bristol Evening Post 25th January 2007
Well Done Zammo! You rock!

She's getting married!

For those who haven't already heard, I'm getting married on 07.07.07. The lucky blokey is James, and needless to say, I'm very happy and looking forward to our future together.
Absolutely everybody is welcome to our day, but be warned, only 15 people can get into the registry office and I've put the older family members at the front of the queue, to give them a head start in the fight! Bless 'em!

We're getting married at 10.30am and there will be a party from 7 onwards. Inbetween times, mum and dad have invited everybody to their new house. There will also be several open houses for you all to sleep in over the weekend, so please feel free to come on friday if you want to.

I'm not up the duff yet, but we are (regularly) trying to make babies, which is always nice! Hopefully, we will be expecting soon. So expect a big bird for a bride!

I'd really love to see you all in July and hope you can make it. Love to you all. x

Dear Sam Braithwaite fans,


I bring you New Year greetings and the latest Sam Braithwaite news

January Events:

Wednesday 24 January: Playing with the full band at The Fleece, Bristol. Headlining slot. On Stage 9.30pmTicket Price £4 (£1 off with e-flyer!)

Friday 26th January: Solo Slot at The Louisiana, Bristol. Supporting "Fortune Drive". On stage 8pmTickets SOLD OUT (ask me for guestlist possibillities?)

Saturday 27th January: Solo slot at The Louisiana, Bristol. Supporting "Fortune Drive" Onstage 8pmTickets SOLD OUT (ask me for guestlist possibilities?)


For the gig at The Fleece please mention my name when you come in as it will be used to indicate who people came to see i.e Me!. For Guestlist applications for The Louisiana gigs email me at sambraithwaite77@hotmail.com.


Hope to see you all there on the 24th,

Love Sam


The album "Two Fingers" is now available for you to play, review, or download via http://www.itunes.co.uk. Remember that signed copied are still available from http://www.sambraithwaite.com or www.myspace.com/sambraithwaite.

Blogger are trying to move everybody over to their new, 'easier-to-use' system, called Blogger Beta. You may have already received prompts when you log in to set up your new accounts.

Don't panic, it's pretty easy to do. With the new system, you are asked to set up a google account using your preferred email address and your usual password. Make a note of these, as these are what you will use going forward to log on to cockles and mussels. I haven't quite figured it all out yet, but you may also need to update your new profile, if you feel like it.

Once you've logged on, you'll probably not notice too much of a change. It just makes things a little easier to move around and change things.

If anyone has any difficulties getting onto the blog, let me know and we'll sort things out.

BB (aka the Webmaster)

Having just spent a lovely weekend with Dame Judi and Uncle not so Fatty I thought I would write a soppy post for all you Cockney-Slitty-eyed-Jowel mongers!

I just wanted to say I am so glad I have you guys as family, as the other side of my family are a complete and utter waste of space. A bunch of posh idiots who don't seem to appreciate the true meaning of family! It's a long story and very dull so I won't bore all you lovely people with it! But their tendency to sweep things under the carpet is really bringing out the Grace blood in me and I just want to sit them all in a room and tell each and every one of them what everyone else is saying behind their ignorant, blind backs! Rrrrrr! Any ideas as to how to bring out all the unspoken tensions between them all?! Because otherwise, I swear I will tell them where to shove their retarded posh wankerness! So far I have been told to keep my mouth shut and let it lie, but that's what they're all doing and I don't agree with it! I have never been one to keep schtoum! Answers on a postcard please!

Gud'day mates, just a quick note to say good luck and have a smashingly wonderful time in Poland to my big brother, Chrissy. Im sure mumsy has equiped you with more hats, gloves and coats than you could wrap a small Norwegian family in.

Love and love, Tommy x

Following in the footsteps of my workshy brother i have quit my job to work full time on my new musical venture...and by that i mean the record i've just made not the plans to put "Tourette's: The fucking! tittybiscuits? musical" on in the west end! (which i will one day!)So in the meantime i would be gratefull for any info or contacts you might have that will prove useful in getting management, promoting the record, radio airplay, press coverage, and record company interest!I know that most of you dont have these contacts exactly falling out yer arses but if you put your collective minds to it i'm sure you could all help me think up some more leads than i have right now! so put your thinkin' caps on and get me thier details?Also for those of you that haven't got hold of the record yet i am very close to getting the website paypal thing together so you can order it on http://www.sambraithwaite.com/ and i shall personally send it to you with a signed photo of myself, greased up in cowboy boots with various fruits to cover my dignity! If you dont but the album i shall send you two pictures every week to your work address!!It will also be available on itunes as of beggining of December so keep checking and download it from there if you so chose! Thanks for all your support of late but keep it coming because..in the words of the late Mary Carpenter of The Carpenters...."weve only just begun!.....................no thanks!...i dont want any biscuits.....no really....i'm not even hungry!"keep visiting the myspace site (www.myspace.com/sambraithwaite/) for latest info and to look at my increasinly impressive list of friends......Thanks family people, keep on rockin'..............Love sammy xx

Hello Toms family... just a quick note to say Tom is fine, well, at least he was breathing last time I checked him in his hungover state. He loves all the people in his halls, especially his new best friend "Big D"- the two of them are inseperable- staying up into the late hours discussing stephen fry and philosophy (a course which incidently he really loves)

On a serious note to Mrs Tom's Mum... I have taught him how to wash. And I ironed his clothes. So he looks ok. And he's eating. He looks both left and right before crossing the road and is always sure to wrap up warm on the more brisk days. Your SausagePot is fine...

Also, apart from the shampoo and bees story, what is the third embarrassing story about your youngest? We are all very excited about completing the trilogy of silly stories about baby Tom.

Lots of Love

Tom and Abby (I'd be worried, your son has befriended a scouser)

Hello all you crazy family bastards!
Thank you all for a lovely weekend. much belly laughs and merryment all round. the percussion was second to none, the chicken took years to be done, everyone got bossed by my Mum, fantastic free food in my tum, we all got thoroughly plummed and thankfully no-one got bummed!
I write songs i does! I also take pickatures wiv my magic time freezing box and have set up a slideshow of moments trapped in time for your viewing delactation.
Pay attension cos here comes the science bit.....all you have to do is click here (yes! on the actual word here!) and i shall whisk you away with the use of the black magic to a site called "Shutterfly" where you must put in this email address barneybb.cockles@blogger.com and then the password "cockles" to get to the file named.....Graceland. Click on that and set up the slide show using the side promts!
It sounds technical i know but if i can do it..it must be spackerproof.
Enjoy our many chins and generally sigh at the mockery that the ravages of time has made of us all!
Love you all, Sam x

p.s. next time we must keep Noah off the babysham!!??!!

Thankyou Uncle Chris for a wicked weekend. You did us all proud xxxxxxx

It will come as a shock to us all that Dame Judi, the chain-smoking, booze-guzzling, tourette-suffering doyenne of the Cockles & Mussels scene has, this very day, actually made it to the ripe old age of 61.

'Fuck me!' I hear you cry, 'I never knew she had it in her.' Well she's made it and she will inevitably be expecting presents or other such birthday tributes, so dig deep and let's see if we can raise more than the £3.27 we managed last year (not exactly Comic Relief).

If you happen to see her in the next few days or weeks, please try not to make a fuss. She generally likes to keep a low profile to this type of thing. Why not try simply calling out (she's getting a little deaf), 'Oi! Jowel face! Many Happy Returns!' or 'Bugger me, you're old!' Trust me, nothing would make the old girl happier.

Happy Birthday, your excellency.

Alun says I have to ask Fat Chris to measure the width of his garden to see if we can pitch our tent there next weekend. How many insulting variants and innuendos can we all make from this?

I know that you thought I had just become a big old hippy, living on protest sites, taking illegal substances and shagging lots of long hairs........And I was. But this is mostly why I wanted to save the 'fucking' tree's.

I am very much looking forward to seeing all you cock sucking raving loonies again in September. However, I will be bringing along a new boyfriend, whom I would very much like to impress. I suppose there's no chance of that with you fuck wits around!
Heyho.

Sadly Thomarse has disgraced us all by getting only 3 Bs so now he has to go to Leeds univ and "do" Philosophy. He's ruined Christmas.....again! What a stuck up ponce!

Once in a while a song is composed, one that seems to be plucked from the very souls of the Muses, surpasing even that music of the spheres given earthly form by The Singing Postman (sorry, Chris).
There may be the interneti-literatati amongst you who have already been blessed with the knowledge, but I feel unable to hold back from sharing my epiphany with you all anyway.
A note of caution - this IS suitable for children, but not for those with a fear or loathing of llamas.
Follow the yellow brick road... click here

I was doing some market research in various publications and came across the new campaign for Charmin toilet paper! So much better than the bloody Bears Shitting in the Woods campaign! The new Bacardi one looks cool too with two people dressed as salmon running the New York Marathon in the opposite direction! Funny!

To see the ad just put your mouse on the arse! Not literally Welshies!

I think you should all be ashamed of yourselves. I know we're a pretty depraved bunch, but surely we have to draw the line somewhere. Intelligent adults like you making petty jokes about child molestation and incest. Quite honestly, neither myself nor Steph find it in the least bit funny. Think of all the poor kids out there being molested, beaten and sexually abused by their so-called 'loved ones' and you lot have the nerve to take the piss.

Could you therefore please kindly keep any silliness to Uncle Fatty's 'penchant' for bestiality in the Broads and Nick's bizarre fixation on dogging.

It's been 3 days since anyone even commented on this sad excuse for a cockney forum! Pay attention you slitty eyed, wobbly weirdos! Or I'll get this little man on you! And you don't want that! Trust me.

One day we'll all live in a a bio-genetically altered world where we won't have to suffer this kind of disfigurement?...until then...make hey while the sun shines!...Oh no! sorry!....make hayfever while the sun burns!!! sorry! i meant ...burn while the rest of us ..tan!

For those of you that weren't watching, the hopes of the French nation and the career of one of the game's greatest players came to a crashing end last night, when France were beaten on penalties by Italy after seeing their inspirational captain, Zinedine Zidane, sent off late in extra time for a dramatic headbutt on Marco Materazzi (see exhibit A). TV pictures seemed to show that words were exchanged between the 2 players and Zidane was even seen to be smiling until Materazzi said something that made the legend see 'red'.

What could Materazzi possibly have said to provoke such a reaction? The winning answer will receive a week in Bristol looking after 2 midgets. Second prize is 2 weeks. Boom boom.

It's Kev's Birthday everybody! Strangely enough it's also the anniversary of that little kerfuffle in Roswell (OK so it was a different year, but there must be a connection).

Superstar of over 50 films (one of which was a classic) and subject of the famours parlour game is 48 today.

This month's competition is a double whammy. A prize for putting the best phrase in the mouth of the thinking grandma's totty, and another for naming the single classic film he graced.

Erm..hello? Anyone? I know you've all got busy lives righting all the wrongs in the socialist world, but spare a thought for the blog! Stop working so damn hard and having so much bloody fun, and start writing on this stupid site will you! Goddamit!

I think it's high time for a family reunion photo such as this little gem! When are we going to get together and have a large knees up? I heard rumours of something happening in June, but that didn't happen (unless I wasn't invited....hmmm) and also something happening in September. So what's it to be you genetically repressed lot? Do I mean repressed? Or is it depressed? My god maybe the senile dementia has started already. Bugger! Anyway, suggestions on a postcard to www.duh.com! A sunshine coach will be available to transport those people who have ever been on anti-depressants! You can't miss it. It says Big Hairy Fanny on the side. Speaking of Big Hairy Fanny...

This serves as a warning to all families, on this wonderful Farters Day!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY TO ALL YOU DADDIES OUT THERE!

Yes the shortest of our two midgets has made it to the ripe old age of 2.

So wipe your nose, pull your trousers up, put your toys away and wish little Noah a Happy Birthday with us!

Happy Birthday little fella!

Not sure why anyone wouldn't expect their pet to smuggle drugs for them. This is a picture of my pussy after the condoms burst. Killed in an instant, but died a happy pussy!

Lots of thoughts racing around my head, funniest being Would you like to come for a ride in my big hairy fanny! Any other offers from you funny folk?

Hi, Its little Deb, Have really only just worked out how to do this after all this time, so i just wanted to say hi to all, those i know and those i dont. x

Well, we waited a long time for it, but the old goat from East Angular is finally amongst us. And what was his first, eagerly-awaited contribution to the site...?

"Why not stick some mustard up his arse and watch him turn into a greyhound?"

Let's have a vote. Shall we kick him off the site? Those in favour, say 'arse!'.

This is Charlie. He is a fierce and monstrous beast who will take yer leg off quick as look at yer! But he has no nuts.

Stop War -

NATIONAL "TIME TO GO" DEMONSTRATION

SATURDAY 23 SEPTEMBER MANCHESTER

ASSEMBLE 1PM PICCADILLY GARDENS