Hoooorah!!! The mighty album "Two Fingers" by Sam Braithwaite (whoever he is!??) has just gone live on itunes music store!!!
It also means i can eligible for record sales and downloads in charts etc! I realise you all probably have a copy of the album and that you're probably sitting there muttering "when will he shut up up about his fucking music!??" under your breath but the reason i bring this to the attention of my articulate and well versed Families is that you write online reviews that link to the page on itunes so anyone passing by can read and go ""Ooh that sounds interesting!" and buy some tracks and so on!
Whilst i realise putting really crappy reviews would be hill-hairy-ass please don't as people would take this as gospel and not know you are taking the piss!!
It also means you can download it as a ringtone to annoy your friends or just me??
Also don't put your surnames on reviews as i will look like a tool.
You can visit the page by putting my name into the search box at the top right of the music store page and feel free to tell a friend which is a button available once on the actual page (you'll see when you get there!)
For all of you in England or able to pick up BBC radio from wherever you are, I'm on the radio this Tuesday night at 10pm on BBC Radio Bristol on 95.5FM, 94.9FM / 1548AM and DAB Digital Radio.
I'll be playing a couple of songs live and having a chat with Keith Warmington on the "Access All Areas" show so please tune in if you can?
If you have digital TV you can record it right off the telly?? If it's past any old or young people's bed times!!
Blogger are trying to move everybody over to their new, 'easier-to-use' system, called Blogger Beta. You may have already received prompts when you log in to set up your new accounts.
Don't panic, it's pretty easy to do. With the new system, you are asked to set up a google account using your preferred email address and your usual password. Make a note of these, as these are what you will use going forward to log on to cockles and mussels. I haven't quite figured it all out yet, but you may also need to update your new profile, if you feel like it.
Once you've logged on, you'll probably not notice too much of a change. It just makes things a little easier to move around and change things.
If anyone has any difficulties getting onto the blog, let me know and we'll sort things out.
BB (aka the Webmaster)
Having just spent a lovely weekend with Dame Judi and Uncle not so Fatty I thought I would write a soppy post for all you Cockney-Slitty-eyed-Jowel mongers!
I just wanted to say I am so glad I have you guys as family, as the other side of my family are a complete and utter waste of space. A bunch of posh idiots who don't seem to appreciate the true meaning of family! It's a long story and very dull so I won't bore all you lovely people with it! But their tendency to sweep things under the carpet is really bringing out the Grace blood in me and I just want to sit them all in a room and tell each and every one of them what everyone else is saying behind their ignorant, blind backs! Rrrrrr! Any ideas as to how to bring out all the unspoken tensions between them all?! Because otherwise, I swear I will tell them where to shove their retarded posh wankerness! So far I have been told to keep my mouth shut and let it lie, but that's what they're all doing and I don't agree with it! I have never been one to keep schtoum! Answers on a postcard please!
'Polish Pussy Press'Gud'day mates, just a quick note to say good luck and have a smashingly wonderful time in Poland to my big brother, Chrissy. Im sure mumsy has equiped you with more hats, gloves and coats than you could wrap a small Norwegian family in.
Love and love, Tommy x
Following in the footsteps of my workshy brother i have quit my job to work full time on my new musical venture...and by that i mean the record i've just made not the plans to put "Tourette's: The fucking! tittybiscuits? musical" on in the west end! (which i will one day!)So in the meantime i would be gratefull for any info or contacts you might have that will prove useful in getting management, promoting the record, radio airplay, press coverage, and record company interest!I know that most of you dont have these contacts exactly falling out yer arses but if you put your collective minds to it i'm sure you could all help me think up some more leads than i have right now! so put your thinkin' caps on and get me thier details?Also for those of you that haven't got hold of the record yet i am very close to getting the website paypal thing together so you can order it on http://www.sambraithwaite.com/ and i shall personally send it to you with a signed photo of myself, greased up in cowboy boots with various fruits to cover my dignity! If you dont but the album i shall send you two pictures every week to your work address!!It will also be available on itunes as of beggining of December so keep checking and download it from there if you so chose! Thanks for all your support of late but keep it coming because..in the words of the late Mary Carpenter of The Carpenters...."weve only just begun!.....................no thanks!...i dont want any biscuits.....no really....i'm not even hungry!"keep visiting the myspace site (www.myspace.com/sambraithwaite/) for latest info and to look at my increasinly impressive list of friends......Thanks family people, keep on rockin'..............Love sammy xx
Hello Toms family... just a quick note to say Tom is fine, well, at least he was breathing last time I checked him in his hungover state. He loves all the people in his halls, especially his new best friend "Big D"- the two of them are inseperable- staying up into the late hours discussing stephen fry and philosophy (a course which incidently he really loves)
On a serious note to Mrs Tom's Mum... I have taught him how to wash. And I ironed his clothes. So he looks ok. And he's eating. He looks both left and right before crossing the road and is always sure to wrap up warm on the more brisk days. Your SausagePot is fine...
Also, apart from the shampoo and bees story, what is the third embarrassing story about your youngest? We are all very excited about completing the trilogy of silly stories about baby Tom.
Lots of Love
Tom and Abby (I'd be worried, your son has befriended a scouser)
Hello all you crazy family bastards!
Thank you all for a lovely weekend. much belly laughs and merryment all round. the percussion was second to none, the chicken took years to be done, everyone got bossed by my Mum, fantastic free food in my tum, we all got thoroughly plummed and thankfully no-one got bummed!
I write songs i does! I also take pickatures wiv my magic time freezing box and have set up a slideshow of moments trapped in time for your viewing delactation.
Pay attension cos here comes the science bit.....all you have to do is click here (yes! on the actual word here!) and i shall whisk you away with the use of the black magic to a site called "Shutterfly" where you must put in this email address barneybb.cockles@blogger.com and then the password "cockles" to get to the file named.....Graceland. Click on that and set up the slide show using the side promts!
It sounds technical i know but if i can do it..it must be spackerproof.
Enjoy our many chins and generally sigh at the mockery that the ravages of time has made of us all!
Love you all, Sam x
p.s. next time we must keep Noah off the babysham!!??!!
Thankyou Uncle Chris for a wicked weekend. You did us all proud xxxxxxx
Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? When I'm... 61?
3 comments Posted by The Dude at 8:15 am
It will come as a shock to us all that Dame Judi, the chain-smoking, booze-guzzling, tourette-suffering doyenne of the Cockles & Mussels scene has, this very day, actually made it to the ripe old age of 61.
'Fuck me!' I hear you cry, 'I never knew she had it in her.' Well she's made it and she will inevitably be expecting presents or other such birthday tributes, so dig deep and let's see if we can raise more than the £3.27 we managed last year (not exactly Comic Relief).
If you happen to see her in the next few days or weeks, please try not to make a fuss. She generally likes to keep a low profile to this type of thing. Why not try simply calling out (she's getting a little deaf), 'Oi! Jowel face! Many Happy Returns!' or 'Bugger me, you're old!' Trust me, nothing would make the old girl happier.
Happy Birthday, your excellency.
Alun says I have to ask Fat Chris to measure the width of his garden to see if we can pitch our tent there next weekend. How many insulting variants and innuendos can we all make from this?
I know that you thought I had just become a big old hippy, living on protest sites, taking illegal substances and shagging lots of long hairs........And I was. But this is mostly why I wanted to save the 'fucking' tree's.
I am very much looking forward to seeing all you cock sucking raving loonies again in September. However, I will be bringing along a new boyfriend, whom I would very much like to impress. I suppose there's no chance of that with you fuck wits around!
Heyho.
Sadly Thomarse has disgraced us all by getting only 3 Bs so now he has to go to Leeds univ and "do" Philosophy. He's ruined Christmas.....again! What a stuck up ponce!
Once in a while a song is composed, one that seems to be plucked from the very souls of the Muses, surpasing even that music of the spheres given earthly form by The Singing Postman (sorry, Chris).
There may be the interneti-literatati amongst you who have already been blessed with the knowledge, but I feel unable to hold back from sharing my epiphany with you all anyway.
A note of caution - this IS suitable for children, but not for those with a fear or loathing of llamas.
Follow the yellow brick road... click here
I was doing some market research in various publications and came across the new campaign for Charmin toilet paper! So much better than the bloody Bears Shitting in the Woods campaign! The new Bacardi one looks cool too with two people dressed as salmon running the New York Marathon in the opposite direction! Funny!
To see the ad just put your mouse on the arse! Not literally Welshies!
I think you should all be ashamed of yourselves. I know we're a pretty depraved bunch, but surely we have to draw the line somewhere. Intelligent adults like you making petty jokes about child molestation and incest. Quite honestly, neither myself nor Steph find it in the least bit funny. Think of all the poor kids out there being molested, beaten and sexually abused by their so-called 'loved ones' and you lot have the nerve to take the piss.
Could you therefore please kindly keep any silliness to Uncle Fatty's 'penchant' for bestiality in the Broads and Nick's bizarre fixation on dogging.
It's been 3 days since anyone even commented on this sad excuse for a cockney forum! Pay attention you slitty eyed, wobbly weirdos! Or I'll get this little man on you! And you don't want that! Trust me.
One day we'll all live in a a bio-genetically altered world where we won't have to suffer this kind of disfigurement?...until then...make hey while the sun shines!...Oh no! sorry!....make hayfever while the sun burns!!! sorry! i meant ...burn while the rest of us ..tan!
For those of you that weren't watching, the hopes of the French nation and the career of one of the game's greatest players came to a crashing end last night, when France were beaten on penalties by Italy after seeing their inspirational captain, Zinedine Zidane, sent off late in extra time for a dramatic headbutt on Marco Materazzi (see exhibit A). TV pictures seemed to show that words were exchanged between the 2 players and Zidane was even seen to be smiling until Materazzi said something that made the legend see 'red'.
What could Materazzi possibly have said to provoke such a reaction? The winning answer will receive a week in Bristol looking after 2 midgets. Second prize is 2 weeks. Boom boom.
It's Kev's Birthday everybody! Strangely enough it's also the anniversary of that little kerfuffle in Roswell (OK so it was a different year, but there must be a connection).
Superstar of over 50 films (one of which was a classic) and subject of the famours parlour game is 48 today.
This month's competition is a double whammy. A prize for putting the best phrase in the mouth of the thinking grandma's totty, and another for naming the single classic film he graced.
Erm..hello? Anyone? I know you've all got busy lives righting all the wrongs in the socialist world, but spare a thought for the blog! Stop working so damn hard and having so much bloody fun, and start writing on this stupid site will you! Goddamit!
I think it's high time for a family reunion photo such as this little gem! When are we going to get together and have a large knees up? I heard rumours of something happening in June, but that didn't happen (unless I wasn't invited....hmmm) and also something happening in September. So what's it to be you genetically repressed lot? Do I mean repressed? Or is it depressed? My god maybe the senile dementia has started already. Bugger! Anyway, suggestions on a postcard to www.duh.com! A sunshine coach will be available to transport those people who have ever been on anti-depressants! You can't miss it. It says Big Hairy Fanny on the side. Speaking of Big Hairy Fanny...
This serves as a warning to all families, on this wonderful Farters Day!
Yes the shortest of our two midgets has made it to the ripe old age of 2.
So wipe your nose, pull your trousers up, put your toys away and wish little Noah a Happy Birthday with us!
Happy Birthday little fella!
Not sure why anyone wouldn't expect their pet to smuggle drugs for them. This is a picture of my pussy after the condoms burst. Killed in an instant, but died a happy pussy!
Lots of thoughts racing around my head, funniest being Would you like to come for a ride in my big hairy fanny! Any other offers from you funny folk?
Hi, Its little Deb, Have really only just worked out how to do this after all this time, so i just wanted to say hi to all, those i know and those i dont. x
Well, we waited a long time for it, but the old goat from East Angular is finally amongst us. And what was his first, eagerly-awaited contribution to the site...?
"Why not stick some mustard up his arse and watch him turn into a greyhound?"
Let's have a vote. Shall we kick him off the site? Those in favour, say 'arse!'.
This is Charlie. He is a fierce and monstrous beast who will take yer leg off quick as look at yer! But he has no nuts.
Stop War -
NATIONAL "TIME TO GO" DEMONSTRATION
SATURDAY 23 SEPTEMBER MANCHESTER
ASSEMBLE 1PM PICCADILLY GARDENS
My perfect day would start with seeing this man lying next to me! Bongiourno fella!I would like to know what you're perfect day would entail? Who would be in it? What would you do? Where would you go? It can be anything you want it to be! It's your day! And who knows, maybe one day it might just come true!
This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.
L is for Liverpool,
L is for Luck,
West Ham's blowing bubbles...
Finish the poem,
Without being rude...
(it doesn't rhyme)
I should be so lucky,
Lucky, lucky, lucky...
(K Minogue 1987)
Hello, hello (yes, we do love to milk the police jokes don't we?).
Well I have nothing productive as yet to add to this wholesome enterprise, apart from some inappropriately long words apparently, except to address the slanderous comments made about my character - comments such as 'OC is his fave show', that's crap, alright? Sure, I've watched it a few times, but I didn't inhale. And this whole ecclesiastic/law and order/boy in blue/man of the cloth bollocks is well out of line. So stop it at once, or you're all going to hell, you bunch of cockney thieving yobs.
Love you all, (except Uncle Fats, he knows why - dirty, dirty man) Tom x
This unfortunate old and pre-alzheimer sufferer has recently been abandoned in a deserted public toilet by his uncaring daughters. If anybody has seen this man in the outfit pictured here, (possibly with tampons in his ears too) wandering around the streets of Peterborough, please contact the police. Do not approach this man as he is argumentative, and has a strong tendency to attempt at humour! A concerned grand-daughter has offered a generous reward if anybody finds her aging and relatively wealthy grandfather.
Pictured here Christmas 2005 in his usual attire.
Here's Little Chrissie at the door of his windmill in Old Hamsterjam. His flat is quite nice, which makes it all the harder to work out why he looks like he's slept in a shop doorway!
Answers on a postcard to 2fatladies@jowleresearch.co.uk
Take a closer look at the picture to the left and check out the 6' x 6' panel of the new face of Imperial Tobacco. Yes, the world's 4th largest tobacco manufacturer have indeed chosen Mrs. Stephanie Braithwaite of Southsea to grace their latest exhibition stand, currently doing a nationwide tour of the country's most prestigious trade shows.
Trouble is, she doesn't actually know this yet. So, mum's the word, eh? Whatever you do, don't tell her...
Good evening all,
I am writing on your blogsite page on behalf of your son/nephew/cousin Sam who wrote me a letter explaining his utter astoundment at the lack of general computer tomfoolery that was expected of you, his somewhat learned but geographically challenged family.
What's the matter with you? I'm in a fucking wheel chair and even i can use the computer better than you workshy bunch of mockney's!...I've even been in The Simpsons!!...
Please get your assumedly working asses in gear or i shall be forced to visit you in those piss corners of this septered ilse you call homes and explain in detail all about my new space time continuim theories from my new book "Time is Shit, Get used to it!"
Lots of love and wayward electric wheelchair movements,
Steven Hawkins.
p.s. Feel free to read this letter in a put on computer spacker voice! I don't mind...everybody does!......really i don't care.....i promise you i get more fanny thrown at me than i know what to do with......no really? A massive brain seems to get them wetter than an Otter's pocket!!??
Hello! Looks like I'm one of you lot too! Wouldn't think it would you, what with the ever so slightly increasing jowel length, slitty chinese eyes which disappear when I smile, fat arse, genetic smoking habit, smutty humour and incessant wheeze when doing anything even remotely strenuous!
Whilst I'm here: can anyone explain the pie and mash thing to me? I desperately tried to like it! I really did! And it's not like I haven't tried a vast array of different things! I love snails for fuck's sake! What is it about pie and mash which could be any worse than things that crawl along the floor in their own juice? (And no Big Debs, I'm not talking about you!)
Answers on a postcard to: sleazyslut@lardarse.com.
(By the way, with regards to the picture, I can't explain this, but ask Alun and Debs! They seem to think Patsy reminds them of me! Can't for the life of me think why!)
Apparently i'm related to you all? Don't believe a word of it!! Knees up?....your mother's brown?...what on earth are you all on about!
That's right ....The Samster is truly as they say "In da house!" ....Laaaaaaavleeeey!!
It only seems like yesterday that this little fella came into the world, but today sees Emile hit the ripe old age of 3.
This is how he intends to spend this special day, greeting those fortunate enough to share his birthday with him from the comfort of his throne.
Joyeux anniversaire, Milou.
Although I wasn't actually able to make it (I was entertaining the French in-laws who KNOW how to eat!), the annual Grace family gathering at Walthamstow's Manze's Pie & Mash Emporium was a great success.
And once they'd got the important part of the day out of the way, they even took time out of their gastronomic adventure to go and march around London. Becky was in fact heard to utter, 'I don't know what we're marching for. I'm only here for the food.' Now there's commitment for you.
To see a photographic record of the day, click on the link above (or the delicious photo) and you'll be taken through to shutterfly.com - a photo sharing site. Enter the email address - barneybb.cockles@blogger.com - and the password - cockles - then select the photo album to view a slideshow. Enjoy.
Is this to be the level of contributions?
Is this what getting on for 3 million years of evolutionary struggle has come to?
Is this the peak of early 21st century philosophical and scientific discourse?
Excellent...
I can't claim the credit for this one. Sam found this gem. I may be 34, closing in on 35, but flatulence never fails to amuse me and I hope it never will.
Follow the smell to this one.
Hello everybody. This is a bit difficult isn't it? But it's a jolly good idea. Mmmm. I'll get me coat....
Bloody hell, not sure if im here or not, somebody please tell me...
This simple Blog site is your place to be who you want and say what you want. Cockles & Mussels is a place to share your thoughts on anything or nothing at all with those you love (well, most of them). Whatever it is, big or small, stupid or serious, right or wrong, jump on board and get it off your chest.
And it couldn't be easier to participate - even my mum can do it! If you're reading this, then you've managed to log in and register on blogger.com. I'll issue some instructions via e-mail as to how everyone can access and edit the site, as well as how to include photos, links or even video to your posts.
Look forward to hearing from you all - one day! BB
